Hello all!
Hedwig here! I’ve missed you and I know you’ve all missed me!
Mama has been reading Erin Quinn’s Diary from Derry Girls and it gave me a great idea for today’s post… I’m going to let you all read an entry from my own diary! I live a rather exciting life so buckle up!
4:09am
I just nearly fell off the bed. There’s a cat terrorizing the neighborhood and it just scratched at my bedroom window. I hate that cat! Mama says its shadow looks like Freddy Krüger… whoever the hell that is!
I can hear Poppop getting ready for work. Even though Mama’s door is open, and I can easily ask Poppop to go out, I prefer to wake Mama up. No one opens the back door quite like she does! Whining directly into her ear and stepping on her hair usually does the trick!
4:16am
Mama’s mad now… I don’t know why!
4:37am
The evil cat isn’t outside. Thank God! Mama sometimes falls asleep on the couch when I’m outside early in the morning and that means I would be trapped outside with the beast! Apparently, you need thumbs to open doors… it’s such a discriminatory design!
4:45am
Mama won’t let me back up on the bed… she said that I take up too much room and sleep like a starfish… She’s got some nerve! She’s lucky I let her share my bed at all! I’ll just lay down on the floor and huff until she realizes how rude she is being!
4:48am
It worked like a charm! I have her so well trained!
8:00am
I don’t want to get up but Mama said my breakfast is ready. I’ll always choose food over sleep! (My vet said that’s a problem; I said that’s none of his business!)
8:26am
Time to leave for work. Mama bought steps to help me get into the back of her car… I convinced her that I won’t climb them without a treat! I’m so clever! Now I get a treat every morning! Today it’s a pretzel!
8:37am
I’m getting out of the car and somebody stopped to ask Mama if I was a service dog… and then they asked if I was a seeing-eye dog… did they not just see Mama DRIVING?
8:44am
My work water bowl is empty! I’m not proud of this… but in a fit of rage I just picked it up and threw it across Mama’s office. I’m so thirsty… I haven’t had a drink in nearly 15 minutes… Mama says I need to lay on my bed but I’m so weak I don’t think I’ll make it that far…
8:45am
I’ve made it to my bed but just barely… I think this is where I’m going to die… please remember me when I’m gone!
8:47am
Mama finally filled my water bowl!
9:30am
Mama has to go into the back room, so I get up to go with her. She says she’s okay but who is the service dog in this situation? Exactly! I’ll go with her anyway. There are some people in the hallway… I think Mama calls them ‘volunteers’. They are bringing in food donations for the pantry.
I can do this!
Ignore the food, Hedwig. Ignore the food, Hedwig.
But it smells so good… NO! I almost smelled the bag, but I caught myself.
I am a service dog. I need to remember that!
I have trained for this!
9:45am
I’m back in Mama’s office. The hallway was a walk of temptation, but I held my head high and ignored everything! I may have tripped over my own feet because I wasn’t watching where I was going but at least I didn’t sniff the food!
10:08am
My water bowl is empty again… I need to give Mama a piece of my mind!
10:10am
Evidently answering the phone is more important than my hydration! Mama said I have to be quiet and wait a minute… well maybe the next time she ticks, I’ll make her wait a minute before helping her; see how she likes it!
10:14am
Water has never tasted better!
On a side note, I have to pee.
10:20am
Now that I’m back on my bed, I just have to vent. I’m laying with my back to Mama because she needs to understand that her actions have consequences! She took me outside to use the bathroom, and the whole time she talked about how the more I drink, the more I pee! (Ahh yeah, I know, thanks!)
She actually said that I have zero control around water. If there is water, I have to drink it all… the disrespect!
Well she can just enjoy the view of my backside!
11:30am
Time for lunch! It’s my favorite part of the day!
11:31am
Apparently, it’s time for MAMA’s lunch! She’s saying something about how we go over this every day but I’m clearly not listening, so I don’t know why she keeps talking!
2:07pm
I just saved Mama’s life! She was getting up and walking away from me, but I detected that she was going to have a Tourette’s episode! She was on the other side of her office when I caught up to her. I told her that she had to sit down and when she was on the ground, I climbed on her lap. She’s twitching now but she’s safe! She’s hitting my back instead of herself. I hardly even feel it, but she keeps saying she’s sorry… Mama can be so silly sometimes! This is what I’m trained to do!
2:13pm
Auntie is in here now. She’s Mama’s boss. She said that I’m such a good girl for helping Mama… I’m not one for dramatics but… FINALLY! SOME MUCH NEEDED APPRECIATION OF MY HEROISM!
2:20pm
Mama’s episode is over now.
I’m exhausted!
3:45pm
For fuck’s sake! That’s it! I’m calling my union boss! Another empty water bowl!
3:46pm
Guess who has no thumbs and just got in trouble for yelling at Mama about the water again? This girl! It’s not my fault she hasn’t learned yet!
4:31pm
It’s time to leave. I don’t think humans know how to read a clock because Mama is still sitting at her computer. That’s okay though, I’ll help her keep time. I’m sitting by her office door and whining a bit… she’ll get the hint eventually!
4:42pm
Mama said we’re stopping at the store on our way home. I did not receive a written request for this change in our daily schedule! Now we’re in the market and I’m missing out on quality time off! I wonder if I’m eligible for overtime pay?
4:47pm
Oooooh! Mama’s salty! Somebody called me a ‘fake’ because Mama’s not blind. I’m not quite sure what they think I’m faking! This cuteness is all natural!
4:58pm
POPPOP! Ah, my favorite time of the day! He’s always waiting for me when I get home. You know, sometimes I think he’s the only one who really appreciates me! He really understands just how important I am and how much attention I need on a daily bas… TOY! HE’S GOT A TOY!
5:30pm
Mama is just about done with her dinner. Any minute now, she’ll ask me my favorite question: Do you want to play ball? My answer is always YES!
5:34pm
TIME TO PLAY BALL!
TIME TO PLAY BALL!
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
5:45pm
Mama says playing ball is done now… ahh, she’s a funny bitch! I have the ball in my mouth; I’ll decide when we’re done, thank you very much!
5:46pm
Abort! Abort mission! Mama has released The Lady… playing ball is definitely done now! The Lady is Mama’s mama and… well, she’s a cat person… I think that best sums it up!
I’m inside now! Why is she still threatening to sell me to a restaurant? I’m going to tell Poppop about her!
7:30pm
It’s dinner time! I can’t wait to eat! I’m trying to control it but my tail just won’t stop wagging! Mama put carrots on top today. I do love my carrots!
This must be Mama’s way of apologizing for the empty water bowls today.
Note to self: cancel call to union boss.
8:00pm
Mama says it time to study… I think she just mispronounced ‘snuggle.’ If I just step carefully, I should be able to climb on her lap without her even knowing… She caught me! And do you know what she said? She said it’s time to study! I guess she didn’t misspeak! She even has her books out now… what is this shite?
8:02pm
I’ve decided that Mama has had plenty of time to study! She disagrees but I don’t really care. After everything I do for her all day long, I deserve some belly rubs! And I’m going to tell her just that!
I can’t believe it! Mama called me dramatic! Me, of all the dogs in the world, dramatic? She must not know what that word means because I do not have a dramatic bone in my body!
She just said it again after I told her off for saying it the first time!
She needs to learn a lesson. As God as my witness, I will never look at her again! I will never let her snuggle me, pet me, or play with me every again! Mark my words!
8:04pm
I’m so excited! Mama said that I can lay next to her while she studies! She’s rubbing my belly right now! I’m so comfy… I could just fall asleep right here…